Attachment Styles: What you ACTUALLY need to know

That most instagram posts won't teach you.

There's no shortage of information on attachment styles floating around instagram. It's almost become a meme where people are self-diagnosing and identifying with certain styles but it's often NOT actually helping.

If you learn about your attachment style but you don’t learn about the role your nervous system plays in your reactivity,then your ability to make solid changes towards a more secure attachment will be very limited.

Having a conceptual understanding of yours and your partner's attachment style is a great first step. But it will only get you so far if you don’t learn how to work with things at the level of the body.

Both anxious attachment patterns and avoidant attachment patterns are an expression of a dis-regulated nervous system.

When we perceive threat or a lack of safety (physically or emotionally) then our body, often beneath the level of conscious awareness, will kick into gear and deploy strategies to attempt to regain a sense of safety.

People with an anxious attachment pattern find more safety in connection and so will “NEED” to create closeness and re-connection.

People with an avoidant attachment pattern find more safety in solitude and so will “NEED” to create distance and separation. 

People with a secure attachment pattern can find safety in connection AND solitude. This is the goal.

The very first thing we need to do when our avoidant/anxious attachment pattern is activated is to recognise that our nervous system is dis-regulated and attempt to bring in more of a state of coherence.

The quickest and easiest way to do this is with the breath. 

Diaphragmatic breathes 5sec in 5sec out 5 times is a simple one. It works.

Box breathing is another good one.

This will create the space to recognise and name the fact that “hey I’m a bit dis-regulated and my anxious/avoidant attachment pattern is online).

No awareness = no change. So that’s always the first step.

Then the next step is to start to do the opposite of what we would normally, reactively do.

If we have an anxious attachment pattern that would look like leaning in to SELF regulation. This expands our capacity to find safety in solitude.

This could look like:

- Basic breathwork

- Journalling and self reflection

- Listening to calming music

- Getting out in nature for a walk

If we have an avoidant attachment pattern that would look like leaning in to CO regulation. This expands our capacity to find safety in connection. Focus on non-verbal co-regulation tools

This could look like:

- Holding hands or some sort of physical touch.

- Going for a walk holding hands.

- A hug.

- Eye gazing.

- Connected breath (matching each others breath).

Remember, if a person with an avoidant attachment pattern is activated, the more intimate the co-regulation strategy is - the harder it will be to engage in. So just start with what's available.

It might sound simple.

But in the heat of the moment,

bringing ourselves into enough regulation so that we can then "do the opposite" of what we would habitually do, is how we ACTUALLY retrain our nervous system towards more secure attachment. 

Of course,

there are other things like understanding and integrating the root cause and exploring inner child work etc.

AND

don't underestimate the power of what I've laid out above. 

I hope this was helpful!
In your corner,

Tully
PS: We dive much deeper into Attachment Styles in the Liberating Love Relationship Mastery program and that's just ONE of TEN Modules we cover. If you truly want to cultivate the skills and capacity for thriving relationships, there's still 4 days to take advantage of the 50% off sale. CLICK HERE for program and enrollment details.