Is your relationship lacking this?

The truth about "the village" when it comes to relating

We’ve all heard it takes a village to raise a child…
But the truth is it takes a village to hold a couple.

One of the foundational elements of the Liberating Love Relationship Mastery Program is our relationship audit.
A short survey the couples do at the beginning of the program to see where they are currently at in different areas like intimacy, communication and fun…

One of the consistently low scores when couples begin is Village/ Community.

And if you’re thinking right now, you too would score low on the Village slice then this might support you to understand how to change that.

It’s easy to observe our relationship in isolation and try to problem solve things but the reality is that the ENVIRONMENT that our relationship is existing in has a huge impact on it, and the presence or absence of solid community support is an integral part of that.

In a relatively short period of time,
we’ve gone from communal creatures to living in nuclear families.
Stuck in silos.

Not that long ago we would have had a diverse unit of humans to lean on whether it was blood relatives or close friends and connections in the village.

We could go to different people or groups for guidance or practices to navigate challenges and release tension. Obviously, this has changed.

What’s not changed is we still have all the same needs we did back then:

We need Connection.
To be Seen
Heard
Understood.
And to feel Safe.

What has changed as we’ve become more insular, is that when we do share, a lot of the load goes onto one person - our partner. 

You need them to be:
your lover,
your best friend,
your councillor,
And the list goes on.

What used to get fulfilled by the village now we’re expecting our partner to take it all on.
And the load is very often unbearable.
But

If we’re on our game.
We can try and almost get away with it!

That’s until, two becomes three…(or 4 or 5!)

When children come into the picture,
a little being that needs us more than anything,
especially their mother in those early days,
The support systems shift.

Those human and relational needs that were being met by one person.
All of the sudden they can’t do it anymore. 

The capacity is stretched too far and the fractures begin to appear.

Have you experienced this with (or without) having children?

If it’s a yes.
Diversification is the solution. And it doesn’t have to be hard.
If we can diversify how our need to feel connected, acknowledged, understood and safe are met - it takes the load off our partner, and creates space for healthier relationship dynamics.

And it doesn’t have to be hard.

Do you have a solid group of men/women around you?
Do you have a solid group of couples you can lean on?

Do you have a space outside of your intimate relationship that you can take your challenges and struggles to be heard and know you’re going to be able to trust the guidance/feedback?

Because if you don’t. 

It’s only a matter of time before the relationship sinks.
And then,
It’s a scrambling game to fix the leaks rather than build the hull strong from the beginning.

The good news is, just like with financial investments, you can diversify by spreading the load with groups like mentioned above. They’re becoming more prevalent and it only takes a google to find support in most places. 

 Or it might be with family. Or a trusted coach/therapist/counsellor.

It can look a lot of different ways. The important part is that you take responsibility for co-creating the village that will support you, your relationship and your family.

This is also why we focus on group work in our Liberating Love Relationship Mastery program and have safe spaces to share throughout. 

We’re not designed to do it alone. So it makes sense that it’s a struggle when we try to.

I’ve got a more detailed and nuanced version of this article coming that will have more space to dive into the deeper crevices and practicalities of cultivating meaningful villages to support ourselves, and each other…

but for now

I’m curious, what’s your experience with “the village” been like? And have you noticed the impact (positive or negative) this has had on your relationship?

Tully

Photo from my recent father blessing held at our home in Qld

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