Dropping Defensiveness, Inviting Intimacy

Communication tools in action

Hey team,

Stoked you’re here and reading! As many of you know, I’ve really only just began using this platform as a holding place for writing.

My vision is to create a space where we can really explore the counter culture to relationship mediocrity. A place to challenge the “norm” when it comes to relating, and a space to unpack, stay curious, and get expansive in what’s possible when it comes to the ways we communicate, the ways we invite intimacy, the ways we feel and the ways we parent alongside relating.

I’ll be sending out tomorrow, an official “launch” of this substack, with a clear description of what my free community here can expect from me, and a clear description of what my paid community can expect from me.

This is actually my first article that is FOR my paid substack community.

It includes a very personal conversation Kat and I had a few weeks ago, that had many possibilities to crash and burn, having us feel more disconnected and frustrated with each other - but instead brought us closer, and sparked emotional (and later, physical) intimacy.

Also, I’ve JUST launched “The Pulse Podcast” here on substack.

Think short(ish) audio, with me, and the occasional interview with other couples from around the world, unpacking some real talk and grounded honesty when it comes to relationships, communication, intimacy and parenthood. 

If you choose to upgrade your subscription to my paid community, you’ll get direct access to the full EPISODE ONE below at the bottom of this article.

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‘I don’t feel adored.
I don’t feel desired.’

We sat on the rug in front of the fire.
My wife Kat was sharing with me how she’d been feeling lately.

Unadored.
Undesired.

Not unappreciative.

Simply the truth of her feelings.

But!
I felt like I WAS providing and caring for her.

I was:

Working and providing financially.
Cutting down work hours to have our family time
Taking Rafi (my son) more to give her more space
Doing the majority of the domestics so she could feel nourished and have a safe space to relax.

I was taking care of her.
I was providing for her on a number of levels.

AND

There was still more her heart longed for...

The heart desires what the heart desires.

Her head could see everything I was doing,
She was super appreciative.

But the truth of it in this moment for her,
was she wasn’t feeling adored in the way she was craving.

It had been a busy phase of life
And Kat wasn’t feeling our lovers connection.

She was 34 weeks pregnant at the time and becoming more sensitive,
in the best way possible,
by the day.

Her needs and desires, shifting.

Once I worked through the potential defensiveness that arose (more on that later in this article), I found the space to ask, with curiosity and compassion… ‘
‘What specifically would help you feel more adored?’

And she could answer, honestly.

I exhaled in relief.
‘This, I can give.’

And while this situation brought up tension and it was a hard thing for us both to do,

For her - to bring up more needs when she knew so much was already being provided for,

and for me, to sit in the openness of receiving that feedback, even when I felt at capacity.
We felt stronger for it.

Now, this is a nice story.
But in quiet reflection I had the realisation that this conversation could have easily gone south and led to defensiveness and disconnect.

But it didn’t. So I started to unpack all the little details of what allowed it to be as fruitful as it was. Instead of disconnect and defensiveness we found ourselves in a place of more mutual understanding, appreciation and intimacy.
And I’d love to share these reflections with you. 

So here’s how it unfolded for us, play by play…

1) Vulnerability from Kat:
Kat sat down with me and shared how she had been feeling.
Her mind was telling her not to.
She could see how much I was doing.
But the other part of her knew she needed to bring it up.
She brought no agitation and no projection to the table.
This set up the conversation for success. 

She could have easily sat on this,
not mentioned anything and let resentment build. 

But she didn’t.
She did the scary thing
and opened up.

She had the awareness to distinguish between what might have been presenting on the surface (irritation, judgement, resentment) and what her ACTUAL feelings and desires were.
This step is key.

2) Self-Awareness from me:
I could feel the defensiveness activate in me.
I didn’t want to feel the pain of having let her down.
It was rising in me. 
The stories flooding in
‘look at how much I’m doing’

‘How is this not enough?’

I could feel myself wanting to close off and defend.
To justify my position.

And as it arose in me,
I saw it.
I caught it.
I could breathe with it.

I gave myself space
to let this pass.
Staying present
with my focus and awareness on breathing into my belly.

Once we find ourselves triggered,
even if it’s mild,
The FIRST thing we need to do is connect with and deepen our breath.
Even something as simple as 6 deeper, slower breaths will bring us into a state of more regulation.

This allowed me to come out of my “survival brain” (more focused on potential threat) and access my “learning brain” ( more access to curiosity and compassion).

This way I could truly hear what she was expressing
rather than getting attached to my story about how I thought things were unfolding.

3) Acknowledgement:
We both know intention and impact are two separate things.
They are both valid.
My intention was for Kat to feel cared and provided for.
I’m doing all these things.
The practical stuff.
And she was still experiencing the impact of not feeling adored/desired.
Both were welcome at our table
Nobody was wrong or right.

Acknowledging them both
dissolved the disconnect.

This one can require a lot of practice and reflective work after times of conflict. Sometimes it’s hard to access in the “heat of the battle”.
I was stoked with our ability to access it relatively quickly in real time.

4) Deep Enquiry and Clear Request:
Finally, from this calm and connected perspective.
The fun part.
I get to flex my curiosity muscle.

I thought I was adoring her,
because I do adore her.

I asked, “What specifically would help you feel more adored and desired?”
Getting clear on a request is a really important final piece.

If we had just repaired and come to a place of mutual understanding,
things would have still felt great in that moment.

But days later we might have found ourselves back in the same spot because nothing had changed.

So, in response to my question she was able to give me some clear examples of simple things I could do to spark more of that desire and adoration within her.

The final piece - I brought a request to the table.
I shared with Kat a few things she can do to support the process as well.

So there we were, from a place of potential disagreement,
disconnect
and projection
to a place of mutual understanding,
intimacy
and on-the-same-teamness.

And surprise surprise,
a couple of nights later we had the most intimate and connected love-making experience we’d had in quite a while.

I’ve recorded this short audio clip to accompany these words.
And I’ll leave you with these questions…
Do you know how your partner would love to be adored?
Do you know how your partner wishes to be desired?

If it’s a no, you might ask…

‘When do you feel most adored by me?’
Or
‘What makes you feel most appreciated by me?’
If that’s more your language.

Let me know how you go.

Also, I’ve JUST launched “The Pulse Podcast” here on substack which is an exclusive offering for my paid community here. An audio where I riff on this conversation, dive deeper, explore tangents and unpack aspects (It’s not just me reading this post haha). If you like to listen to audio, it’s linked for you below.

In your corner,
Tully