Hey Team,
Welcome back to another episode of The Pulse. I'm stoked to be delving into today's topic—The Phases of Relationships. This is a short written summary of the podcast 20 min podcast episode - have a listen to that for the full rundown.
This is one of those game-changing concepts that consistently brings aha moments to the couples I work with, whether it's through one-on-one coaching or in the Liberating Love Relationship Mastery Program. Understanding these phases provides invaluable context to navigate the ebbs and flows of your relationship journey.
Before we dive into the phases, let's acknowledge the power this context can create. It allows us to relax into the process, accepting and embracing instead of harshly judging the stage we find ourselves in. The shadow phase, especially, can be a tough spot, but embracing it with understanding opens doors to the growth and healing required to transition into the Harmony Phase.
Now, let's get into it.
1. The Honeymoon Phase: Ah, the honeymoon phase—we all know it. It's characterized by an overflow of love, intimacy, presence, and yes, lots of sex and chemistry. Everything feels effortless as hormones and neurotransmitters conspire to create effortless connection. What adds to this bliss is the novelty of experiences; everything shared is a first, fostering a deep level of presence that supports the cultivation of intimacy.
In this phase, we intentionally (and sometimes unconsciously) put our best foot forward. Our partner does the same. As a result, we create a somewhat distorted view of our partner. We put them on a pedestal. And (because they are human) they can’t possibly live up to this bar that we have set for them long term.
2. The Shadow Phase or Conflict Phase: As the honeymoon phase fades, we enter the shadow or conflict phase. It's a normal part of the process, often triggered by significant life events or the natural evolution of a relationship. The hidden aspects of ourselves, intentionally or not, start emerging. The cracks start to show in this pedestal image we've built of our partner.
This phase coincides with the activation of our attachment system, bringing forth reactivity, fears, and core wounds. It's a challenging period where unconscious conditioning takes the lead, and pointing fingers becomes the norm. The conflict phase has two likely outcomes: a plateau or an oscillation between the plateau and back to conflict phases.
3A. The Plateau Phase: Many couples settle into a plateau after conflict, suppressing issues, sweeping things under the rug and carrying micro-resentments. Communication becomes strained, needs go unexpressed, and a sense of stagnation sets in. It's a comfortable yet disconnected state, a common rhythm in relationships. Especially for parents.
3B. The Healing and Growth Phase: The alternative to the Plateau phase is the healing and growth phase. By facing the shadows and consciously working through them, couples can evolve. This phase involves acknowledging and taking responsibility for your personal contributions to unhealthy dynamics and learning effective communication and repair tools. It requires that we expand our awareness of the root cause of the issues that are arising and unpack our conditioning around relationships. It's a challenging but transformative phase that requires willingness, support, tools and an understanding of relationship frameworks to navigate.
4. The Harmony Phase: This is where couples with a clear vision and agreements coexist, having navigated the shadows and embraced growth. There’s a rich level of intimacy that is reminiscent of the Honeymoon Phase but it has a lot more depth. Conflict still exists, but the difference lies in the ability to swiftly and effectively repair, fostering a deeper level of intimacy. The excitement about the future is rooted in a confidence that comes with the knowledge that, when faced with challenges, the skills and support are in place.
Understanding these phases is crucial. It provides context, direction, and a roadmap through the complexities of relationships. If you're seeking support, that's precisely why I created the Liberating Love Relationship Mastery Program—a four-month journey that equips you with skills, frameworks, and tools to guide you through the dance between plateau and conflict, leading to healing, growth, and eventually the Harmony Phase.
If you have questions or thoughts, let me know in the comments below. I love hearing from you.
Big Love,
Tully
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